Balancing trust and friendship: Navigating concerns about your boyfriend’s close friendships

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Should I worry about the attention my boyfriend gives a friend of his who happens to be female? They have known each other since school and I know there is no romantic attachment, but they are close, and I think he tells her things that he would never discuss with me. I knew about their friendship before we began dating, and didn't have a problem with it because I know how he feels about me, but I sometimes worry that she may have a massive influence on him and may convince him to do things I am not comfortable with. If she doesn't like me anymore, for instance, I know he would listen to her and even consider ending this relationship. She is not a difficult person, but I just worry about the control she has on him. Am I just being insecure?
It's not insecurity, but it's not a level of comfort either. It's normal to feel as if a close friend of your boyfriend's has a bond that excludes you, but this hint of envy doesn't have to extend to him accepting everything without question. He is with you because he presumably has a mind of his own and is capable of being friends with someone who happens to be female. What you're feeling is normal, but it is healthier to focus on your relationship with him than to presume that his friendship with her may lead to pain. There are three adults in this conversation, and nothing stops you from strengthening your friendship with a person who is important to your boyfriend. If he wants to be influenced by her, he can be influenced by anyone outside your relationship. It's easy to assume the worst about anyone, but you have no tangible reasons yet, nor has your boyfriend given you any inclination of not wanting to be with you. Why not simply enjoy your relationship instead?

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