My wife loves me a lot, but she had a long relationship with someone for years before we got married and I sometimes feel as if she has never been able to move on
Illustration/Uday Mohite
I have been married for four years and have been increasingly concerned about whether I have made the right decision. My wife loves me a lot, but she had a long relationship with someone for years before we got married and I sometimes feel as if she has never been able to move on. They haven’t been in touch for almost eleven years, but I recently caught her looking at his Facebook profile. When I asked her if she missed him, she denied it, but I could sense a sadness in her that makes me wonder if our marriage was just her way of forgetting him. I don’t want these doubts to ruin our future, but don’t want to ask her about this either because a part of me is probably afraid of what might happen if she confirms that I am correct. Should I ignore this?
You are allowing a ghost from her past to impinge upon your present and future because you can’t take your wife’s word for it. It’s perfectly okay for people to miss their former partners because that is what relationships can do to us. To assume that she married you simply to move on does her a great disservice because it implies that she manipulated you, while denying her own feelings. It is disrespectful because it also implies that her wanting to be with you, and continuing to be with you, hasn’t come from a genuine place. Ask yourself if it really matters whether or not she misses her ex-boyfriend, and if that changes your relationship with her in any way. If it doesn’t, why not accept that she is being honest with you and focus on the fact that she chose to marry you and not someone else?
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My girlfriend hates my friends. How do I change her mind about them?
Why not see things from her perspective too, and find out what she dislikes before trying to change her mind?
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