‘Closets are for clothes, not to hide our truth’

Entrepreneur and mother of two, Raga D’silva marries partner of 15 years in London; says sealing the relationship has helped her come to terms with her identity

August 13, 2022 is when Raga D’silva “finally made peace” with herself. The 52-year-old Mumbai-born author and entrepreneur says that until then, she had just been “running away”. “A lot of running away,” she repeats, “a lot of not wanting to be that person.”

Last Saturday, two days before India turned 75, D’silva, who identifies as lesbian, married her long-time partner Nicola Fenton in London, where she now resides with her wife and twins, Aana and Aash. “I love Nicola, and adore her but… [accepting oneself] takes a lot of questioning. Who wants to live that life anyway?” she tells us over a video call. In some way, D’silva feels, marrying Fenton put all those anxieties to rest, finally. Love always wins, she assures us. And their wedding was nothing short of a dream. 

D’silva and Fenton with their children, Aana D’silva and Aash D’silva Fenton. Pics/Paul Phipps-Williams Photography

“Our original plan was to have it on August 15, but we didn’t get the venue. Plus, we thought who would be able to make it on a weekday so we chose August 13, but it was done keeping in mind 75 years of India’s Independence,” smiles D’silva. “I don’t know who seeded this idea [of getting married], but we are like this old couple who finish off each other’s sentences.”

For the wedding, D’silva wore a black dhoti saree that had a pink border with Fenton complementing it with a rani pink sherwani. The couple wanted to celebrate their roots—D’silva is Mangalorean who was raised in Bandra, while Fenton grew up in Auckland, New Zealand. “At the registry, we had the haka welcome [a ceremonial Māori dance, which is usually performed in a group and represents a display of a tribe’s pride, strength and unity], which left us both teary-eyed. For the reception, we had our brothers from Gay Network in London who carried a rainbow flag chaddar and made us walk under that—at the end, they wrapped us in the flag, saying they will protect us forever,” she gushes. “We served food on banana leaves, just [like] how it is done in south India. My children gave beautiful speeches—my son Aash said that he is a proud son of his proud mothers, and my daughter Aana repeatedly said that this was the happiest day of her life.” 

D’silva is still reeling from the wedding high when we reach out to her. She, however, admits that none of this has come easily.

D’silva and Fenton go back nearly 15 years. The couple first met in Wellington, New Zealand in 2007, long after D’silva’s marriage to her “best friend” whom she identifies only as Ravi, had fallen apart. Ravi and D’silva, who were married in Mumbai in 1995, and were parents to twins, had moved to the island country in 2001. “Our marriage collapsed within a year, but I continued [to hold on to it],” she shares. Around this time, D’silva was coming to terms with her own sexuality. It turned ugly, when her mother, who was visiting her in New Zealand, found out about this, when she chanced upon an unsent letter written by D’silva to her friend, admitting that her marriage was not working out and that she was considering separation and dating women. “One night when I was putting my kids to sleep, my mother attempted to knife me, she was very angry. You can imagine the drama… I got so scared. If this was going to be the response from my own mother, my safe space, how would the rest of the world react?” she remembers.

Soon the news spread within the Indian community, and that’s when the harassment began. “People would throw things at my car, spat on my window glasses. I would return from the supermarket to see ‘bloody lesbian’ written on my windshield. One day, a saree-clad Gujarati woman pushed me, kicked me and spat on me in a supermarket and called me a ‘home wrecker’. My children and I were ostracised. My confidence level took a big hit. I was doing very well at work, my workplace had anti-discriminatory laws, but when they got to know, there was a lot of homophobia, so I left that job.” 

D’silva divorced her husband in 2003.

Four years later, she met Fenton. “Nicola used to work at the New Zealand Parliament and would organise various events for them. We met at one of these events… I don’t think we knew about each other’s sexual orientation then. We chatted briefly, exchanged cards, and she told me that she would love to visit India. I told her that I was leaving for China and I remember telling her to call me sometime and meet for coffee, but she never called,” remembers D’silva, adding that after she returned, she took a chance and phoned Fenton. She responded positively. “It was a beautiful cafe! After coffee, she asked me if I wanted to go for a drive. I agreed. Post the drive, she asked me if I would like to go for dinner. And, this dating cycle hasn’t stopped since. Even this morning, she asked if she could take me out. That’s our life,” laughs D’silva, who is director and co-founder, Speaking  Minds, an international speaker agency. 

D’silva confesses that when she met Fenton, she “was in pieces”. “I told her that I come in a package, you will get two children and one ex-husband.” There was another rider—D’silva didn’t want to come out just yet. “This is something I regret. I didn’t give her the respect that she deserves, which is perhaps why I married her. I owed her this. Closets are for clothes, not to hide our truth. She raised these two children, she made them her own, she has given me unconditional love,” she says. 

The first time D’silva addressed her sexuality was when she came out with her book, Untold Lies in 2019. “But I think it’s only after we got married [last week] that I have started accepting our relationship publicly. It feels liberating. I have been fighting for equal marriage rights for our community in India. I am very grateful that it is available for me in the UK where I can easily marry my partner, but when I go to India, the moment I cross the border, I become single again, and I would love for this to be available to all my brothers and sisters from the LGBTQ community. We will continue this fight.” 

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