Sorry, we’re in love

A new Canadian research paper says men in same-sex relationships reported engaging in PDAs less frequently than women. Back home, those comfortable being themselves even in public, say it’s both an assertion of identity and form of protest

While travelling to Jammu in a long-distance train, Ankur Mondal, an advertising professional from Delhi, and his boyfriend Gaurav Gupta, a software engineer, were careful to not draw any attention from fellow passengers. “People get all weird when they see two men holding hands, especially in a public place,” says Mondal. Closed spaces such as cafes and theatres feel relatively safer to the couple that has been dating for three years. They indulge in PDA (public display of affection), provided they don’t feel threatened. “While homosexuality is no longer a crime in the country, the attitude towards queer intimacy is yet to change,” adds Gupta. “Without quite realising it, we have become self-vigilant so as not to leave those around us uncomfortable,” Mondal admits. 

Ankur Mondal and Gaurav Gupta from Delhi usually have their guard up when together in public spaces. 'There’s a fear that you may get beaten up'

It’s the sort of behaviour a new research paper recently highlighted. It delved into gender expression and PDA-related vigilance. Researchers at four Canadian universities—Lauren Matheson, Rhea Ashley, Diane Holmberg and Karen L. Blair—published an article in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality exploring the role of gender expression in the experiences of affection sharing within same-sex relationships. “The extent to which sexual minority individuals present publicly as masculine, feminine, or both has been associated with their perceptions of threat and safety in public spaces. The current study investigates the role of gender expression in men and women’s experiences of public displays of affection (PDAs) in same-sex relationships,” the paper states. According to the findings, men, when they identified themselves as more feminine, reported higher levels of general vigilance—or a heightened awareness of their surroundings and sources of danger when in public. In the case of Mondal and Gupta, both admit not being visibly feminine. “In fact, when we came out to our friends a few years ago, they were surprised because ‘we did not look gay’,” laughs Mondal. However, their antenna to the homophobic vibe are always up. “For those men who are effeminate, indulging in PDA gets all the more difficult because they face backlash for not conforming to the masculine gender stereotypes.”

Ria Sharma

The findings were more nuanced for women. The highest level of PDA-related vigilance was reported by women who described their partners as “being highly feminine and not at all masculine”.  Winnie Chopra, a programme manager with Amazon, didn’t consider PDA until she started dating Gurleen Arora, a theatre artist from the city, in 2019. “Initially, I was a bit shy [when being expressive in public], but Gurleen [who goes by the pronoun they/them] wears their emotions on their sleeve. We are so comfortable with each other that a peck on the mouth or a nuzzle happens spontaneously regardless of where we are,” says Chopra. Arora recounts the time they travelled on the Mumbai Metro together, when they were met with “dirty stares” and a few snide comments for being lovey-dovey. Did that impact how they are with each other in public? “Not at all,” says Arora, adding that the experience only made them become unapologetic. It’s the fear of violence  and abuse 
that makes men more vigilant, thinks Chopra, who founded The Gay Gaze,  a platform to share LGBTQIA+ stories and lived experiences, with Arora. “When it comes to women, that aspect is a non-factor, at least in a city like Mumbai.”

Ria Sharma, a youth educator and activist who goes by the pronoun they/them, says the question of PDA comes into play only when queer individuals are able to come out of the closet. “This is especially true of lesbian women who are yet to come out. We haven’t yet created a sufficiently safe space for them to be open about their orientation.” Sharma was in a relationship with a woman for four years, who, they say, wasn’t comfortable expressing her emotions in public. “Socio-economic factors, upbringing and your own gender identity play a role here. I come from a family where all of us are expressive. I can discuss sexuality and intimacy openly in my home, but that may not be the case with everybody. 

So, for me, it [comunicating with my body language] comes naturally, which is why after a point, it became difficult for me to accept my partner’s approach.” During the lockdown, Arora and Chopra conducted a  little “social experiment” where they decided to “make out” on their terrace to get the prudes “comfortable with the idea of a gay couple kissing. Arora adds, “It’s also a way of saying “f*** you to the world.”

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