“Yeah l know men, he’s dat fallow from Krain, his name is like Zelin Misqiutta, my turd cuzzin from Dadar near de TT only.”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo went to the White House. He was disallowed at the front gates as the Secret Service agents escorted him out of the door. Not one to be intimidated, and calling upon his years of shimmying up drainpipes to fix dish antennae, Lobo Lobo went up the Oval Office balcony and into the interiors.
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Unfortunately, he bumped straight into the orange-haired President.
“And you are who?” President Trump asked
“I am Thelonious Errol Hippocrates Crysogulus Lobo.”
“And I am Donald John Trump.”
“Yes yes, Mr Doniie Trumpensky, I know of you, you are as famous in Washington as you are in upper Worli. See Bossie, Donnie men, lemme me tell you, I have one brudder-in-law whose name is Donald… he plays trumpet in a wedding and funeral band called ‘Don and the Jumping Jack Flashes’—and my brudder- in- law, Donald Trumpet we call him… he has a wifey who is young enuff…”
“Hello hello, gentleman, let me stop you right there..my surname is not Trumpensky. It’s Trump. Trump, Trump as in bump… as in hump… as in lump… as in chump… got it? Trumpensky is the other guy, the guy who was here last week from that other country. The one Putin wants to own…washecalled, yeah, Zelenskyy… got it?”
“Yeah l know men, he’s dat fallow from Krain, his name is like Zelin Misqiutta, my turd cuzzin from Dadar near de TT only.”
Just then Vice President JD Vance and Elon Musk walked into the Oval Office.
“Meet my two trusted lieutenants,” Trump said, arms outstretched.
“Yes yes, I know, your VP, Mr Advance, he has an Indian wifey and udder guy is Elon Muska,” Lobo Lobo informed.
“Mr Lobo… when you come to see the President of the USA, you should be mindful of all protocols. What is that outfit you’re wearing? If you come to the White House, you should show some respect. Why can’t you wear a suit?” JD Vance said.
“Mr Advance, dis is a suit wochyoutink. Bleddy made bymy great great great grandfader, Lancelot Lancaster Labushane Lobo, he had a tailoring shop called ‘Cut CutTailors’ in Dhobi Talao, experts in tweeds. He made suits for all dose British type peepuls. Dis suit I’m wearing is from dat time, got it?”
“May I know what you are here for, Mr Lobo. Aren’t you Indian?” Elon Musk asked.
“See men Muska, I am a semi US citizen.”
“How can you be a semi citizen, either you are or you’re not?” Trump said.
“ See men, Doniie, I paid dat all de 5 million, no one told me its 5 million dollars I paid 5 million rupees, for which I got not a Gold card, only one brass badge, like our cabbies and bus drivers have in aamchi Mumbai ….so I came here to make a bargain wid you to recover de rest of de moolah.”
“Wot can you possibly offer me… that I can’t get myself?” Trump asked.
“I want to sell you Virar,” Lobo Lobo said.
“Wots Virar?”
“Its where I stay men, Donnie. It’s a suburb of Mumbai… but it has socko potential.”
“Yeah Mumbai, I know Mumbai, I have some Trump Towers there.”
“See men, you can build casinos, and palatial river front homes you can name dem ‘Victoria Virar’ or ‘Melania Millenia Mankhurd’.”
“I’m glad you come to me with this proposal, we have been very kind to your people and not one thanks have we got—you throw tariffs in our face. It is impossible to do business in your country.”
“Yes men, dats why I’m here to offer you Virar,” Lobo Lobo said.
Trump turned to his VP and Musk, and said, “Well gents, sounds like a plan yes? I’d like to take over this place, it’ll be like our toe hold in the area, Gaza isn’t proving so easy, those Palestinians aren’t leaving anytime soon, capeesh? I’ll take over this place… and we’ll rename it guys. Any thoughts of a name?”
“Yes men, Doniie, I have a name,” Lobo Lobo piped up.
“What?” Trump, Vance and Musk asked in unison.
“The Gulf of Virar,” Thelonious Errol Lobo, concluded.
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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