“Dikuna men, do you watch de football? Have you been watching Euro 2020?”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo, my cable TV technician, was pissed off when he came to my doorstep.
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“Lobo Lobo, what’s bugging you?” I asked.
“Dikuna men, do you watch de football? Have you been watching Euro 2020?”
“Yes, I saw Ronaldo remove the coke bottles.”
“Arre Portugal, wen dey came to Goa, we should have aksed dem to stay back and train us men, do some good! Wot men, bleddy men, Dikuna men, how it iz possible dat we are population of 1 point tree billion and we can’t produce a football team? Chhe it is a damn shame, ya. Bleddy dere are tiny tiny countries dat have entered de knock out stage. Arre bleedy dose blinking Welsh peepuls have a team in de knock out stage, de Danes….dey had a fellow who had a cardiac arrest, and yet dey make it! And we don’t have 11 players who are world class, shame shame poppy shame!”
“What can I say, Lobo Lobo, we are a cricket-loving nation.”
“No men, enuff is enuff, chhe, so much footer being played now. Bunkus, don’t give me ole ole arguments men. Dikuna, lemme inform you, I’m starting my own club. My own footer club!”
“I’m guessing, the plan would be to train young players to be ready to play for the nation in the future,” I enquired, optimistically.
“No no men, wot train, chhe, no chance. My goal, no pun intended, is to play—me and my team, we are planning to represent India. Arrey you don’t know, men, I’m a expert footballer, part of a winning team from de past.
“Winning team, Lobo Lobo, which one? Man U, Chelsea, Arsenal, Salgaonkars, Dempo, Mohammedan Sporting?”
“Glaxo”
“Glaxo?”
“Yes Glaxo. We lifted de cup in 1995!”
“What cup was that?”
“Uhm…it was a tournament for football teams of various industries in Mumbai in de ’90s, Glaxo, RCF, Mahindras, Pfizer, etc.”
“And uhm Lobo Lobo, you uhm honestly think that a team of old fogies such as yourself, who played for Glaxo in the ’90s can represent India?”
“Hey hey Dikuna, we were de best team of dat time, not just in dis tournament, but in de country. Wot wot players we had, wot wot skill men. Initially I was part of de forward line. You know like how de Spaniards had dat, ‘Tiki Taka’ formation, we had a technique called ‘Dis Way Dat Way’. So for us, in de Glaxo team, we foxed de opposition wid de ‘Dis Way Dat Way’ technique.”
“Can you explain further?” I asked, fascinated.
“See men, we were four forwards, strikers like, we called ourselves LGBT—four star players, Lobo, Gogoi, Banerjee, Thampi, so we became LGBT. How we played, we would look dis way and pass de ball, dat way, de ‘Dis Way Dat Way’ technique…fully bluff de opposition. No one knew who hadda ball, we would dribble and score goal after goal, men Dikuna. I was de Maradona of my time, den later, dey needed me to be de defender, so I became de goalie of de side.”
“So, what are your plans now, Lobo Lobo?”
“I plan to bring all my former teammates togedder, train dem, pep dem up, and we shall qualify for de next Euro Cup and World Cup as India.”
“Uhm Lobo Lobo…your uhm teammates, must be quite uhm elderly by now…maybe a tad unfit compared to Messi.. Bale, Mbappe, Kreitzmann are young and quick on their feet, how will you guys manage?”
“Arre what is age men, in fact, Shoojit Sarkar is making a film on our team wid de focus on LGBT.”
“I’m guessing the movie is being called ‘Dis Way Dat Way’.”
“No men, chhe, he’s naming it, ‘Bend it like Lobo’.”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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