International Day of Education 2023: How guidelines at school can help parents and kids navigate divorce amicably

For Janice Goveas, her biggest challenge is having to shield her 10-year-old son from all the "noise". Her son, who is autistic, hasn't seen his father in four years. And while that hardly affects both of them, subtle reminders about the lack of a parent at school, can be upsetting. "I have not changed his name, but each time the school sends across a form, they demand signatures of both parents, even though I have told them about my situation," says the media professional. "I don't want my child to experience trauma every time he has to fill up a form."

Goveas' concerns are valid. It's hard enough for a child to witness their parents go through a divorce, but to be reminded of it every day is worse, she thinks.

Swati Popat Vats, the president of Podar Education Network and president of the Early Childhood Association (ECA), an association for primary education and research, says schools do demand consent of both parents. "But that's because our priority is our students. If a case of divorce comes up, we simply ask for court orders," she says.

Pamela Mendonsa, Swati Popat Vats, Taubon Iran and Vani Reddy

While India is said to have the lowest divorce rate globally - at around 1.1 per cent - in the past few years, the country is seeing divorce rates rise by 50-60 per cent, especially in urban pockets. The bad news is that most divorces can get ugly, playing out not just in the court of law, but also at schools.
Kusum Kanwar is the managing director of Kandivli-based Mindful Activity Pre-school. She says that very often, schools give in to wrong practices unknowingly. "They favour the parent who is constantly in touch with the school and cut communication with the other one," says Kanwar, who is part of the ECA. She has also faced threats and legal cases from parents for not taking out the other parent from communications.

Unfavourable conditions at home are usually visible in the school, says Fr Dr Francis Swamy, principal at St Mary's ICSE School, Mazagaon. "We notice it in the child's lunch box, uniform, or even his/her behaviour in class." He adds that it's the responsibility of the parents to report all major changes in their kid's life. He says, "Some do that, but others want to keep it private and refrain from sharing." According to Vani Reddy, principal of RBK International School, Bhayandar, if schools are kept in the loop, "school counsellors, parents and teachers can work together to help the child heal."

An Andheri-based single mum who has the physical custody of her 10-year-old daughter, said she informed the school about the status of her relationship, which made the transition easier for her child. "The teachers were noticing changes in her. She would get startled on hearing loud noises and be lost in her thoughts. It helped when we counselled her." She has been co-parenting her daughter for four years and both the parents are equally part of their child's life. She admits that the process has been tedious and took a lot of effort. "We've had to figure the finances and set similar ground rules, regardless of where she stays. The effort has been worth it."

Pamela Mendonsa, school counsellor of RBK International School, says that if a child of parents who are divorced or separated, is not handled carefully, it could take a huge toll on their mental health. "They won't feel safe in any condition. They will go through extreme emotions and even blame themselves." Kanwar adds, "Strong feelings at such an early age hinders their ability to learn and grow."

For schools to keep up with the co-parenting plans of the parents, there needs to be a set procedure or guidelines, shares Vats. The ECA has prepared a child guardianship policy to make the process seamless. The policy, among other things, mentions the nitty-gritties of co-parenting in schools. Several schools follow the guidelines of the ECA. The guidelines also suggest submitting certain documents and undertakings. "Knowing the entire picture of what a student may be going through at home helps us connect the dots and address attendance issues, behavioural problems, and affected grades effectively," says Reddy.

Mrunalini Deshpande, a family court advocate, however, feels that it's not the school's responsibility to institute guidelines related to co-parenting. "That's the court's job." Advocate Taubon Irani, a family law specialist, says that when it comes to keeping one parent out of school communication, it's important that there's a court or restraining order mentioning it specifically. "If there is such a restraining order, the schools should supervise the pick-up and dropping of the student." According to her, there have been cases of non-custodial parents picking up children, leading to a lot of litigation.

Vats says that admitting kids whose parents are divorced is a huge responsibility. Every case is different, and needs a proper method to deal with it. "Each case needs to be handled with care." At present, say educators, schools that have not figured how to deal with divorce cases, avoid admitting students with single parents. They should figure out a plan B instead.