Secret wisdom of long-haul couples

People change drastically in their lives. How many times would you marry that person as they change, reinvent themselves? Representation pic

You've seen that couple before. They're both in their 50s or beyond, and it's date night. They've ordered food and now they're waiting, fingers busy with mobiles. Occasionally, he or she may snort at some cat video and shake their head.

They no longer notice each other. They don't have a word to say to each other; all the words have been spoken. Every joke is a repeat, every story familiar, every response known, and every lie caught red-handed as it emerges. The children are grown up and gone. He looks at younger women and fantasizes. She looks at him and wonders what she ever saw in him.

No, not all marriages are like this but a depressing number are. Two people paralysed in a colourless relationship. He works overtime, coming home as late as he can and quickly going to sleep after dinner. She talks about her kids at kitty parties, tries to set up a shop on Etsy, plans impossible vacations that'll never happen. They'll look like a couple again briefly during Diwali or at the New Year's Eve party.

No one will say anything. Everyone knows the feeling.

A Reddit user called Roku Nervantho asked married couples to share the things every unmarried couple should know before they take the plunge. Instead of the usual pious bilge about growing old together, through thick and thin and staying true, what came in was some remarkably practical wisdom. Anyone with a failed marriage - or a marriage slowly going limp and lifeless - carries a deep curiosity about how "others do it". Well, here are some answers from the married ones.

1. Learn how to argue. Most people don't have a clue. Disagreements grow wings and start flying around like bats that accidentally entered your house. They coagulate with older disputes, become larger and more flammable. Pretty soon, it's a shouting, slanging fight. People will do anything to win and be right even though this game has only losers. Someone could get hurt.

Truth. Very little can go wrong between two people who have mastered the art of arguing well. The rules are simple.

- Never say "I know what you're going to say. You're so predictable." Instead, listen without saying a word. Let your next sentence be a question.

- Always speak after making sure they have finished. In French, this would be: Please don't interrupt pas.

- Don't share facts, share feelings. Go one better: ask for feelings. Most people don't have a clue what their partner feels.

2. Practice polygamy - with the same woman. How many times would you marry this person? When they're young, full of zing and have eyes only for you - that's easy. Would you marry her again when she's moody after the second child, has folds where she had curves, finds sex painful or boring and spends more time with the children than with you? Would you say yes to him again when he's shagged out from work every day, has an unpleasant little paunch, can barely manage sex the few times you're in the mood and seems to know only six really bad jokes?

People change drastically in their lives. How many times would you marry that person as they change, reinvent themselves, morph into new bodies, learn new and not necessarily pleasant ways of being? And what would you do if you become people who would never remarry each other? The best ones find a way to fall in love with each other again. And again.

3. Don't expect your partner to make you happy. You could fool yourself in the beginning because of the endorphin rush of being in love. You start thinking that the sunny, laughing girl might be the cure for your blues. She's not. And if she thinks you're the one who's going to keep her content with candy, kisses and castles all her life, she's wrong too.

Couples that lasted say it's no one else's job to make you happy. Don't marry if that's your reason. Once the honeymoon is over, the sulky, depressed you will be back, and she won't love it either. And you'll think you married the wrong person because why aren't you happy still?

4. Don't confuse the wedding with the marriage. Someone else paid for it. Everyone smelt good. There was great food and lots of gifts. But the day after is daily life, and as someone said, daily life sucks.

5. Don't be afraid to hurt each other. Pussyfooting around, trying to be Mr Nice Guy or Ms Empathy doesn't get you points. If he annoys you, tell him, sort it out, and move on. If she really leaves a mess everywhere she goes, say it and fix it. Airing a problem makes it go away.

As Confucius said, or should have: If you always leave your dog home, one day he'll shit on the rug.

Here, viewed from there. C Y Gopinath, in Bangkok, throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai, the city that raised him. You can reach him at cygopi@gmail.com
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The views expressed in this column are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper.