Lobo Lobo and V.A.D.A P.A.V.

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo, my cable TV guy came over looking perturbed.

"Dikuna men, I'm socko ball ragged, I'm seeing red men, I'm ‘maha gussa'," he emphasised.

"What ails you Lobo Lobo?" I asked concerned.

"As an avid ex-atlete, you know I was a football wizard and am present carrom champ of my society, I am concerned about de state of games and sports from our side."

"By ‘our side', you mean?"

"Our side is Virar! Virar… you know Virar, last stop on de Western Line, na? So many world toornaments we have, like Olumpic Games, Commonwealt Games, Ayeshun Games in Hangzoo, so many atletes we have produced from de by-lanes and galli-goochies of India in all dees sports, shooting-footing… javlin, steeple chase… skquash, sewming, baddie, dis undressing-dressing ting."

"Dressage," I corrected him.

"Ya, ya on dat horse men, fencing, acchery, sports people from Danbad, Darjeeling and Jalandhar and Jantar Mantar and Jooomrie Talaya and Jhakaas-ghar..."

"What is Jhakaas-ghar?"

"Anil Kapoor is from dere."

"What is the point you're making, Lobo Lobo?"

"We ‘toh' have never sent an atlete from Virar, no one from my ‘illaka' ever has represented India, and it is upsetting me… arrey Virar is a natural place for atletes to train, esspesully for de Steeplechase event - even a place like Meerut produces a wonder girl like dat police lady… Parul, Chaudhury, she won de Steeplechase at Hangzoo… wow… Arrey blinking Mandwa, in Beed district has produced a runner like Avinash Sable, who won de Steeplechase gold medul. He comes from a family of farmers; when he was a kid, de bugger had to walk from school to home because of no public transport! In my Virar, you just try going home from school during de Mumbai monsoons - it's a bleddy steeplechase race, socko natural facilities there only - fully flooded roads, you have to fust wade through knee deep water, den trying to avoid electric cables and open manholes, jumping over potholes wid deep puddles in dem, every ten ten metres dere are hurdles of all kinds, fallen trees, dose muneepalty blockades etc. All dese obstacles allows de steeplechase atletes to really train nachurally and perfect dere techniques.

Also our rowers, dey have learnt on our roads men… our youngsters bring out dere dinghys and boats and row… our rowers are world class - den Virar is famous for producing pole vaulters, you have to run wid de bamboo in your hand, and jump over de water and land straight in your flat - oofff amazing talent we produce, and yet we have never sent anyone!"

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"And what is responsible for this sorry state of affairs in sports, Lobo Lobo?"

"It is politics… pure dirty politics… buroocracy… so many sports associashuns in our side, so so many of dem, to encourage de youths, but de system always gets caught up in red tapism, nepotism, cronyism, corruption, favoritism, ‘tu tu may may', blame game, crab mentality! Men Dikuna, I myself have tried to get into dese clubs to be President or Chairmen, or some office bearer, but I always get blocked or barred or banned or blamed - wot to tell to you, I really wanted to be de Head of our athletics associashun, V.A.A.S.T.U"

"What's V.A.A.S.T.U.?" I asked.

"Virar Archery Athletics Steeplechase Team Union," he answered. "Dey did one ‘jugaad' to me, it was de final ballot wid myself vs one dodgy fellow, Capt Cajetan Castellinho, bugger fixed all de EVMs."

"What are the other athletics associations you have in Virar?"

"Dere are two udder ones, fust is called V.A.D.A. P.A.V [Virar and Dahisar Association for Pole and Vault]. Den dere is M.A.K.A. P.A.V [Mankhurd and Kalyan Athletics Peoples Association of Virar]."

Lobo Lobo paused for breath.

"And dis same disarray is dere in all our football and hockey assosiashuns - and cricket is ‘toh' de worsts... dere are cricketers like dat Siraj chappie, take Dhoni also… small small towns dey come from, see all where dey have reached - and still no one from Virar, again we have so many cricket assosiashuns, same bleddy politics men… I'm trying to become de head of our main cricket club… it's called V.I.R.A.T."

"What does V.I.R.A.T stand for?"

"Virar Institute of Runs and Tons," Lobo Lobo said.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com