Don vs Joe

Illustration/Uday Mohite

A Republican and a Democrat walked into a pub…

"So Joe, like all cowards-cum-has beens-cum-octogenarians… you're backing out of the race with only 100 days to go?" Don asked.

‘Yes Ronald."

"The name is Donald."

‘Whateves, Ron, Don, Con… same thing."

"Are you leaving because I screwed you in the presidential debate or are you scared I'll decimate you in the elections?"

"Dude… that debate had nothing to do with you, let's be honest, it was an off day, I screwed myself, it was a self -goal."

"What's wrong with you, Joe…your last few months, you've not been at your sharpest, you mistakenly called Zelensky, Putin… a serious gaffe, yes?"

‘Yeah, guilty as charged … Vladmir… Volodymrr… I got confused, could've happened to anyone!"

"Bro Joe, you introduced Kamala Harris as, ‘my Vice President Donald Trump'… and you calling me your vice president… What have you got Alzheimer's?"

"I actually think you'da been quite good as my VP… you may even have learnt a few things- anyway now that I've dropped out… who's the oldest guy in the race… you bro you - anyway, what's with that weird bandage thing stuck to your whatiscalled…," Biden chided.

"I was shot in the ear, because you and your administration couldn't protect me," Don said.

"Have you read the memes, making the rounds- my favourite one is ‘Friends, Republicans, Countrymen… lend me an ear'," Joe needled.

"I took a bullet for democracy," Don said, sanctimoniously.

"You took bullet for democracy? In the ear? That's a real joke… hahha… look if you want to talk about ‘a bullet for democracy', Lee Harvey Oswald's three bullets into John F Kennedy, his head rocking back in Jackie's arms, those were three bullets for democracy, Bobbie Kennedy shot by Sirhan Sirhan… those were bullets for democracy! Even Reagan being hit… James Hinkley wanting to impress Jodie Foster… him wanting to get Reagen's attention… that was a bullet for democracy. Our forefather Abe Lincoln… that was the original bullet for democracy - how will history remember your assassination attempt? Was Donald Frump shot in the heart… the kidney, no his earlobe was slightly touched… so typical of a man like you, every other assassination attempt on our predecessors, four Presidents died, 12 evaded death but survived with serious injuries - you got nicked in the ear… like you would during shaving."

"Joe… at least I had someone shoot at me…obviously someone cared enough. No one shot at you… says something, right? I was almost a martyr," Don said.

‘Your shooter couldn't even shoot straight," Joe said

"It was my reflexes…

Matrix like, I swayed out of the way as it whistled past me," Don said.

"At least I didn't stage my own assassination!" Joe said.

"Joe boy… that shooter he was aiming for my face..it was my lightning fast reflexes, that I could dodge the bullet."

"I tell you one bullet you're never going to dodge, and that bullet is called ‘Kamala Harris' - how will you take her on… she's everything that frightens you - she's a woman, she's part black, she's part Jamaican, and she suddenly makes you seem old. A woman in the fray is a game changer… you were all set to battle a 81 year old, now that's dropped to 59! Frumpie… I'm out of this race, but now I'm going to sit and watch Kamala trump you, pardon the pun."

"Look, Joe," Don began.

"Dude… I know you and your brand of ‘uncouth' - but over the next 100 days, it'll be fun to watch her run rings around you, I know that a chauvinist misogynist like you, how are you gonna handle a woman like Kamala?"

"Well I managed Hilary right?" Don said.

"This one is different - One final thing Donnie boy… one thing I can assure you that Kamala Harris will aim for MAGA."

"Make America Great Again… yes, indeed," Don said.

"No no as far as we are concerned - MAGA is… Madman Again? Go Away!"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com