Astronauts of Mehsana

Illustration/Uday Mohite

And so, Ms Sunita Williams landed safely on earth, after 289 days. I decided to make a biopic on her, film biopics being the flavor of the month. Similar in name to Superboys of Malegoan, my film is titled Astronauts of Mehsana - since Ms Williams has roots in the small Gujarat city. A young girl aspires to travel to space - she and her three female friends from Mehsana finally make their way to the USA… how they make it, is the essence of the plot. One of my writers suggested we make a chick-flick, four women astronauts, and the fun they have in space, all dressed in pink, like a Barbie meets Apollo 13 world. "We can also make a roc-com (comedy in a rocket), how about the Sunita Williams character lands in space and she meets a Martian and pyaar ho jaatha hai?" one of my writers suggested.

My mind went straight to the casting - who plays the lead, was my primary concern. My casting director suggested - "Sir, suppose she gets into the rocket as Kriti Sanon, and comes out as Neena Gupta?"

"Dude she was in space for 9 months not 19 years," someone pointed out.

Priyanka Chopra came for an audition, demanding Nick (Jonas) be cast as well.

"As the other astronaut?" I asked

"No no I need him, he's my teddy bear… my coochie coo, I cant be away from him for even one day."

"Priyankaji, we aren't planning to be in space for eternity, we will max be in the rocket for a month."

Disha Patani's manager reached out - "Disha ma'am is asking, any item number or kick boxing scene? She can spare two days, next month. Also, her vanity van needs to be a minimum of 100 feet," the manager said.

"Why 100 feet?"

"Ma'am needs a gymnasium, sauna, jacuzzi, mud bath, beauty parlour, supermarket, her personal trainer and stylist all to be accommodated in the van."

"Why a stylist? She'll be wearing an astronaut's outfit."

"Manish Malhotra is her designer, he wants to make sure her midriff is showing off her six packs!"

Kangana Ranaut said, "Rahulji, mujhe film karni hai, Sunitaji and I share the same values and patriotism… But, you'll have to accommodate my entourage - two hairdressers, two makeup ladies, my mani-pedi lady, my two Maharajs and I have a ‘saree adjuster!"

"But you'll be wearing an astronaut suit, not a saree," I tried to reason but to no avail.

Hema Malini said, "I have taken special Bharat Natyam classes which I do while floating."

Actress after actress came, displaying their particular list of demands, and talents, including a Bengali actress of yesteryear who said -

"Hello I'm Moon Moon Sen, I feel I have a rightful place in this movie, since my name coincides with Sunita Didi's trip, you could title the film--‘Moon Moon Sen in Moon Moon."

"But Moon Moonji, Ms Williams doesn't go to the moon, she goes to ISS… that's a space station," I began.

And so it went on, actress after actress coming and going… but a week from the first day of shoot, we had no lead, no one to play Sunita Williams. I called the real Sunita Williams, "Madam, unfortunately, we are unable to cast someone from Bollywood - its either their lack of elegance, their work ethic, their extended and expensive entourage… we are just unable to get a woman of substance to play you. What should we do ?"

"So, get a man," Ms Willliams said matter of factly, "if my face is covered in a helmet and my body in a suit, who'll know the difference."

"Which actor would you like playing you?"

"Akshay Kumar… with a bit of prosthetics, he could be me."

"Why Akshay?"

"He probably in the Guiness Book of Records for having done the most amount of biopics. Plus, he's fit, he'll look decent. I mean Cate Blanchett played Bob Dylan some years ago, so why not Akshay Kumar playing me?"

And so that was that… we went on the floor with Akshay Kumar as Sunita Williams.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com