Psychotherapist Sonali Gupta dives into the complexities of grief in her new book

Lupita Nyong’o and the late Chadwick Boseman. Pics Courtesy/Getty Images

Four years after his passing, actor Lupita Nyong'o recently wrote about the death of her former co-star Chadwick Boseman: "Grief never ends. But it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It's the price of love." Her evocative words touched a chord with thousands of fans, who could either relate to the very personal loss of a loved one, or the collective and almost as crushing loss of a beloved celebrity like Boseman. And while Nyong'o reflected on the transformative nature of her grief, for many, the unspoken burden of loss is often theirs to shoulder alone.

Journalling can be a therapeutic tool to process grief

It was this realisation that led psychotherapist Sonali Gupta to devote an entire book, You Will Be Alright (Penguin India) to the topic. She shares, "Over the last two decades of my work, I have witnessed and seen that we have a culture of intergenerational silence when it comes to grief. We are neither taught nor trained to have a vocabulary for grief. As a result, it's extremely common for clients who come to therapy sessions to tell me how they find it hard to articulate what is being evoked in them in the event of a loss, either due to death or the end of a relationship. Grief takes the form of that ‘who must not be named' - we carry irrational beliefs around death and mortality - such as believing that something bad may really happen if we talk about death."

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Gupta's book addresses the topic through a multifaceted lens, with careful consideration to those parts of grief that are often considered too ‘difficult' to address and are therefore relegated to silence. This, she says, was a conscious decision. "How we accept and process grief impacts everything. I believe it shapes how we love and how we live. This, in turn, also means that if we choose to suppress and avoid dealing with our grief, then in so many ways it starts coming in the way of how we love," she elaborates.

Complexities of loss

In the book, Gupta writes that while grief is typically associated with death, it is more accurately described as the human response to loss. This loss can take various forms - drifting apart from an old friend, a miscarriage, the end of a relationship or even betrayal. She notes that grief can also be attributed to the loss of a thing, or even an abstraction. Acknowledging the grief that results from such losses, says Gupta, is the first step towards processing those emotions and seeking the necessary support.

Individual therapy sessions can help you cope with the loss

Another interesting observation is that while emotions such as fear, devastating sorrow and hopelessness are considered typical of the grieving process, individuals experiencing grief may sometimes find their sadness tinged with contradictory emotions such as relief, shame, anger or even guilt. "Situations that could be associated with relief are when there have been years of care giving and a certain degree of fatigue and exhaustion have set in," Gupta writes.

"Very often, relief is accompanied by a feeling of guilt. We begin to think of ourselves as bad people, who feel relief in the aftermath of a loved one's death. The reality is that we can still love someone deeply and yet feel relieved when they pass away. It is normal and a part of being human," she continues. Similarly, she writes about the possibility of grief being accompanied by feelings of shame, combined with anger and even hatred for the person who passed away, particularly when there was addiction involved - like alcohol or drugs, for instance. These emotions are often intertwined with sadness and may be experienced at the same time. For many, this duality and paradoxical reality may seem difficult to comprehend. "If you are supporting someone who is dealing with these emotions, learning to accept what the bereaved is saying, without trying to judge them for it, is the biggest part of grief," she notes.

Help through it all

When supporting a grieving individual, the ‘how' matters as much as the intent, Gupta emphasises, "Statements like ‘time is a big healer', ‘you will get over it', or telling someone to ‘think of the road ahead' don't help at all. The reality is that we never get over our losses; we only learn to build a life around loss. There are no timelines when it comes to grief and telling someone that it gets better with time can often feel like trivialising their loss. Just as our love remains even after we have lost a loved one, our grief also remains - it changes and feels different as we begin to process the loss. Learning to listen, offering an attentive presence rather than saying ‘I know exactly how you feel' is important, as grief never looks the same for two individuals," she adds.

In the book, Gupta reminds us that just as our love remains even after we have lost a loved one, so does our grief - it changes and feels different as we begin to process the loss. Representation pics

Knowing when to seek the right kind of support is also crucial. "Grief is deeply personal, feels overwhelming and often shows up in the most unexpected ways. There are clients who reach out in therapy because they find it hard to talk to their loved ones and often need a safe space that feels objective and non-judgmental. In scenarios where the bereaved had an ambivalent relationship with the individual who passed away and has mixed feelings about this loss, the support of an expert can help. In my experience, if you are experiencing panic attacks, suicidal ideation or intrusive thoughts at a rapid frequency, it is important to reach out to a mental health professional. Similarly, if the loss was due to suicide, homicide or under traumatic circumstances, it becomes crucial to reach out," Gupta explains.

Grief or depression?

At the same time, she points out that it's important to not pathologise grief. "While the devastating sadness that follows grief seems a lot like depression, it's important to not confuse the two. Grief and depression share some similar characteristics; however, they are not the same. We need to remember that every grieving individual is not depressed. When you are supporting someone who is grieving, learn to be patient and recognise grief for what it is, while also being alert about persistent and intrusive symptoms that do need attention," she concludes.

Is it normal to mourn celebrity deaths?

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The short answer, says Gupta, is yes. "Clients often talk about celebrity deaths in therapy sessions. My sense is that these deaths remind us of our own mortality… more so, when the deaths are untimely, the idea of uncertainty and unpredictability of life also emerges. It is also very common for clients who struggle with clinical depression and suicidal thoughts to experience an increased intensity when it comes to their own moods, particularly when a celebrity death is attributed to suicide or strange circumstances, or is considered untimely," she writes. She notes that it is important to allow yourself to mourn and grieve these losses, just as you would mourn the passing of someone close to you. "Engaging with their work, limiting the consumption of news and social media, journalling your thoughts, and seeking support are some ways in which you can process this grief," Gupta says.

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