Lindsay Pereira: Long live rubbish, down with logic!

Differences in cuisine, language, views, culture or religion shouldn’t be allowed — only then will India truly become incredible

Media persons protest near Bombay House after TOPS goons hired by Tata Sons assaulted photojournalists. Pic/Nimesh Dave

I think it’s great that a news channel was asked to go off the air for a day. We deserve only news channels, journalists and journalism that show us one side of every story. If a news channel shows us something that isn’t complimentary of what our government or its ministers are doing, the channel is obviously not very patriotic and should be banned. In fact, it shouldn’t be allowed to go back on air until it signs a legal document promising only positive coverage about everything our government is doing.

I think it’s great that journalists are being beaten up in public by goons masquerading as security guards for companies that are now considered respectable, but initially managed to raise capital by trading in opium. Journalists should be thrashed if they try and capture photographs of managing directors and other important personnel. How dare anyone click photos of managers? How will these management graduates continue running their companies into the ground with poor decisions if they are hindered every other month by pesky photographers? Everyone knows how dangerous these photographs of people in suits walking on the street can be.

I think it’s great that filmmakers are being forced to apologise in public for hiring actors from another country and they should definitely be compelled to pay huge fines for such a crime. So what if they are legally allowed to hire anyone they choose to, for reasons that make perfect business sense? Business sense should be of no importance to us because eve­ryone knows that doing business in our country is simply a matter of bribing the right minister, bureaucrat and local goon. How dare a filmmaker work with actors of his or her choice? Henceforth, we should ensure that all film scripts are vetted by ministers of various parties to make sure only wholesome films that avoid references to anything negative about India are released. It’s what a great country like North Korea has been doing for decades, after all, and no one there has been complaining in public, so why should we, Indians, make a fuss?

I think it’s great that fireworks are allowed to be bought, sold and set off at random with no respect for rules or regulations. We should be allowed to smother our children, terrify animals and keep senior citizens awake if it’s part of our religious celebrations. Religion is the only thing that matters, after all, in a country where human life is cheap.

I think it’s great that we can’t eat what we want to in some parts of the country because some people find it offensive. At some point, we should all have to wear the same kind of clothing too, in order to avoid offending the sensibilities of other people. We should all be exactly the same. Differences in cuisine, language, culture or religion shouldn’t be encouraged because that is the only way we can emerge as a united, bland nation. That will make India truly incredible.

I think it’s great that criticism of the government at any form is being dealt with harshly. How else will we understand and accept that we should bow down and do everything that is asked of us, even if these directions come from people who haven’t been to school? We should celebrate illiteracy simply because so many of our leaders have pointed out, repeatedly, that going to school is not all it is cracked up to be. We should encourage our children to drop out of school too, so they can someday become ministers of Parliament.

I think it’s great that our countrymen are being murdered with impunity for crimes that aren’t really crimes at all. They ought to pay with their lives for not following the correct political party or the most popular religious belief. Their deaths are their fault alone.

I think it’s great that we live in a country where millions of cowards use social media platforms to spread their messages of hate, ignorance, bigotry, misogyny and intolerance. Without these people, how would India continue to maintain its fast growing reputation as a backward country full of corrupt, sexually repressed, morally bankrupt people? We don’t need freedom of speech, freedom to practice our religions, freedom to eat what we want or sleep with whoever we want to. These are minor things to give up. We should all shut up, switch off our television sets, stop subscribing to newspapers, stop questioning the government and close our eyes. Who needs a reality check anyway?

When he isn’t ranting about all things Mumbai, Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet. He tweets @lindsaypereira. Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com

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