His friends are a bad influence!

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I am a 27-year old woman and have been struggling to manage with my boyfriend's friends since we began dating a year ago. I believe they are a bad influence on him, but he can't stand a word of criticism against them because they have been friends since school. His friends just treat me as someone who is here temporarily, as if it's only a matter of time before our relationship ends and they all go back to the way things were. When we meet, they ignore me unless I speak to them specifically, act as if my opinion or presence don't matter, and just treat me as a hindrance. My boyfriend says he notices these things, but never does a thing to stop it. He won't even ask them to change how they behave because he says they won't bother listening. Should I give him an ultimatum and tell him that this can't work if he doesn't insist on them treating me with respect? I know it's harsh and I don't want to have a relationship based on threats, but I can't stand it anymore. What do I do?
If your boyfriend says he notices this, but believes his friends can't change who they are, he is complicit in their disrespect towards you. If he can't intervene and believes that you're the one who has to find a way to cope, this isn't a sign of love or mutual respect. If you have to give him an ultimatum, your relationship clearly has unresolved issues that are being ignored. It may be hard for your boyfriend to ask his friends to change, but that is not an excuse because he has chosen to welcome you into his life, and your voice deserves to be heard. Being friends with people who are rude or uncouth is not a crime, but their behaviour cannot be excused if it causes someone else harm. If he doesn't get this, and won't do anything to make you feel better, this isn't going anywhere.

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