Your room, not mine

Stuti, Varun, Aarna and Yuvraaj Agarwal

@mombae.blogger Stuti Agarwal's recent Insta post saw 1,067 comments after she admitted that husband Varun and she have slept apart for four years. She put it down to couples making choices that suit them and needing space even after marriage. The reactions ranged from "Thank God, someone came up with this topic, and now I feel so relaxed" to "That's why men can easily get away with cheating on their wives". One said, "My husband started sleeping apart despite my pleas. Now, I don't even remember I have a husband. This can backfire if it's not a mutual agreement."

For the Parel residents, though, it has worked well since 2019 when they had their second child, daughter Aarna, who had got into the habit of rolling off the bed. Stuti would be up tending to her, leading to son Yuvraaj, 4, and Varun staying up too. "We would all be collectively awake. Mornings were a mess, because Varun works in finance and had to be up at 6 am, and I wanted to sleep in. Instead of moving every night into another room, with chargers, clothes, water bottles in tow, I shifted in with my daughter; my husband sleeps with my son."

For Varun, it's about practicality. "I need good sleep to be productive. We knew the bed couldn't accommodate all four anyway, and didn't like the idea of a crib. The pattern only changes when my mum is visiting. She sleeps with the kids, and Stuti and I share a bed. My daughter still rolls off!"

Stuti admits she has had the "is all well?" question from house helps and family. "I am a creator, and work late after my kids have fallen asleep. Varun wakes up early. This suits us. Who said couples have to be joined at the hip? Every Friday is movie night for everyone, and we jam over board games. In fact, when mom is here, the joke is, ‘your room or mine?'," Stuti laughs, "We also fight less."

"But we do miss the hugs and night-time chats," Varun adds.

Relationship expert says

‘This is high-risk behaviour'
Seema Hingorrany
Unless, it's a very strong relationship, a couple can drift apart if they sleep separately. Couples get used to being alone - and could suffer from Instagram or porn addiction. Their emotional attunement has to be strong - one needs to be in touch with a partner emotionally. It's at the end of the day in bed, that one needs soothing companionship - it's here that you vent and share. And it's not just about sex. Intimacy is more than that.

Sleep therapist says

‘Only advisable if a partner snores'
Dr Richa Mittal
No study or research says that sleeping separately is better than sleeping with the partner. We only advise separate bedrooms when one partner snores, or talks in their sleep or is aggressive while asleep. What we suggest is sleep hygiene - no screens for two hours before bed, mindfulness techniques, and keeping the lights dim.