Lobo Lobo and Nats come visiting

Illustration/Uday Mohite

It's been 10 days since my father passed away, and Lobo Lobo stood at my doorstep:

"Dikuna men, sorry men I missed the mass for your dad, I thought I would share my condolences in person…"

"Please come in Lobo Lobo," I began.

He'd hardly entered, when my phone pinged… it was Nats aka Natasha, my 19-year-old, Gen Z neighbour.

"Sup yo, Rahul bruh, wanted to pop by, but I saw that weirdass TV dude at your doorstep... wassisname… Gomes Gomes," her WhatsApp message read.

"It's Lobo Lobo, not Gomes Gomes… but come," I messaged back.

Within a few minutes I had my cable TV technician and nosey neighbour, standing side by side, staring at me face to face.

"Sorry for your loss, bruh, but you seem pretty sorted," Nats said.

"I'm hanging in there, Natasha, thanks."

Lobo Lobo continued -

"Dikuna men… your beloved father has been granted safe passage. The risen Lord will watch over him, he is in a better place."

"Excuse me?" Nats enquired.

"You are eskyused," Lobo Lobo said.

"Uhm… no, I'm intrigued. Did you say, that Rahu bruh's dad is in a ‘better place'?"

"Yes dat is ezzacly what I said, young lady!"

"And how do we know this fact with 100 per cent certainty, that he is in a better place from before?"

I felt a low rumble… like molten lava was about to erupt from Mount Lobo Lobo.

"Uhm, Dikuna men, who is dis dame ya, damn cheeky she is!" (Eye roll)

"I'm standing here, sir, you could address me directly," Nats rasped, politely.

"Better place means better place, we Catlicks believe dat ok, you Hindoos have udder customs and beliefs about de afterlife, so how I'll esplain."

"Clearly sir, we come from different spiritual worlds but FYI, I'm a practising Buddhist, if you must get technical."

"Oh foe... my dotter, Cinderella, she flies foe Catay Paciffic, she is into dat, wochyiucall Buddhism also."

(Eye roll)

"What's your point, sir,

Buddhism is one of the world's religions."

"Hey hey... don't lecchur me. Ok, young girl, whole, whole day she toh does dat chanting - birdie num num sumting, rang ho ho h, birdie num num rang ho."
(Triple eye-roll)

"Excuse me, you are actually confusing some silly Peter Sellers dialogue with our sacred mantra, ‘Nam myoho renge kyo'."

"All dis chanting has not made her calm… whole day she is shouting onie... at her ‘kadka' boyfriend, at her mudder, at her colleagues, wots all dis point of meditation and mantra, if it duzzent relax you down?"

"Listen, not everyone who chants is necessarily a Buddhist… for all you know, your daughter could be an atheist or agnostic who just enjoys chanting."

Lobo Lobo looked perplexed.

"Arrey same ting men… religious agnostic, or atheist means you don't believe in God?"

"I beg to differ sir. Technically, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in a god, while an agnostic is someone who doesn't believe it's possible to know for sure that a god exists."

"Ohoho wot all high funda tings you are saying… I'm sure now you'll tell me dat our Lord is a lady."

"Well since you mention it, I am non-binary... so, in my eyes God could be a he, a she, a them, a they or a their."

Mount Lobo Lobo finally erupted.

I thought it was an appropriate time to make myself scarce or for these two to disappear.

"Uhm Lobo Lobo and Nats, I've lost a parent a few days ago, and if you two wanna argue about God's gender, please take it outside or next door. I have things to do, a mother to spend time with… some grief to deal with."

"Sorry Dikuna men!" Lobo Lobo said hastily.

Nats gave me a sideways hug, "Bruh... peace out."

Nats turned to Lobo Lobo:

"Uhhm Mr Gomes Gomes, sorry Lobo Lobo, can I offer you an Espresso?"

"Umm… madam… wot is Expresso?"

"It's an uhm, Italian, uhm... coffee."

"See haah, I'm one simple Catlick bugger, I only drink cutting chai."

"That can be arranged,

Mr Lobo, come, I live next door, let me take you my resting place."

(Dimpled smile)

And with that my cable TV technician and my Gen Z neighbour went off to settle their religious differences while I could rest…with some peace and quiet.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com