How's de josh, men?

Illustration/Uday Mohite

So, Lobo Lobo rang my bell. As I opened the door, he yelled, "How's de josh, men?" I was obviously gobsmacked. He continued, "Hello Dikuna. How's de josh, men? Is it high, sir?" I quietly proceeded to pacify the neighbours who had come out of their homes to see a middle-aged man, dressed in an army uniform brandishing a toy gun. He also carried a small bag.

Mrs Urmila Solanki, 78, disturbed from her morning prayers, enquired, "Kaun chhe, beta? Why has the army come here? Is there a war?" Commander Varma, 81, hard of hearing, asked, "Uh Rahul, isn't that our cable person? Why the devil is he dressed in an army uniform? Looks like Sam Manekshaw, I say."

My immediate neighbour, Kawas Panthaky, a stand-up comic in his mind, chortled, "Looks like a balding Gulshan Grover, nai?" "Lobo Lobo, why are you dressed like Vicky Kaushal in Uri: The Surgical Strikes? And I know 'How's the josh?' is the catchphrase of the month, but talk to me, Theo. Is everything okay?"

Lobo Lobo put his toy bazooka down and said sadly, "No men, everyting isn't fine, men. I have solid problems. Dey trew me out of my cable TV job. I am unemployed, chhe."

"Oh Lobo Lobo, that's terrible news. Why did they sack you?" "Dey said dat my clients are complaining, dey say dat I talk too much. So, dey relieved me of my duties. Wot rubbish men. Do you tink I talk too much Dikuna? Tell me, do I?"

I kept a straight face. Lobo Lobo continued.

"So den I decided to follow de budget. Dat Piyush Goyal announced yesterday dat it would be acche din for de farmer. So I jumped into action, Mr Rahul. I went to my Goa hometown in Dona Paula, (I live opposite dat Parrikar person. He's all involved in dat Rafale chakkar, na). I wanted to see if I could do some kheti on my land, become a farmer."

"And what was the result?" I asked optimistically

"What men, dey were all dese blinking cows grazing on my land, just aimlessly encroaching on my ancestral property, chomping on grass, men."

Kawas Panthaky, dying to crack a joke, said, "That makes you a Goa rakshak," and proceeded to laugh at his own humour.

Commander Varma piped up, "But my boy, why are you dressed like you're ready for battle? I feel you might be a bit old for the army."

"Uh, I'm not planning for war.

I am deciding to get into Bollywood, uncle."

Kawas Panthaky said under his breath, "For him to make it in movies, they'll have to rename the sequel Uri: Plastic Surgery Strike." His wife slapped him and said, "Chup, idiot."

"So, what's the plan, Lobo Lobo?" I asked. "In Bollywood, do you know anybody, have any scripts?"

"I'm planning to audition for dem, Mr Rahul. First I will walk into Karan Johar's office and say dis dialogue men, wot you tink? Kabhie Khushi Kabhie Gham, I am Lobo full of dum, I am definitely a superstar, after all, I'm from Virar."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer, and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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