Deepti Naval opens up on fighting suicidal thoughts

Deepti Naval. Image sourced from mid-day archives

Numb following the death of Sushant Singh Rajput, veteran actress Deepti Naval has looked back on her struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts in the early 1990s. Naval used her Facebook page to open up about her struggle through a poem that she wrote during that period, while paying a tribute to Sushant, who was found hanging in his apartment here on Sunday.

"Dark days these . . . So much has been happening - mind has come to a point of stillness . . . or rather numbness. Today I feel like sharing a poem I wrote back in the years when I was fighting depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts - fighting hard - and like how! Let me find the courage to share these very personal thoughts with you all today," Naval wrote, and tagged Sushant in her post.

The actress went on to share her poem, titled "Black Wind", in which she has penned her emotion of trying to escape anxiety.

She wrote: "Anxiety grips me with both hands… Spiked claws dig deep into my soul...I gasp for breath and stagger around...Sharp corners of my single bed...A dark belligerent sea rises in anger...The night has a deadly mission, I can see...I will not succumb to its ghoulish lust."

It read: ""Pull the shutters down...Block all sound...Slam it out...Clamp it! Not in here, it can't get to me … The telephone rings . . . no, it stops . . . God damn! Why don't anyone speak? A voice, Just a human voice...In this shameless, pitiless Abyss of the night -Gloom deepens into darkness, turns purple I feel dark inside . . .They are here, they drive me...Dark shadows in my room 'Go jump!

"One leap across the railing - That's all it takes! Rain slashes down my window… Beats it blue! A dagger pierces the gut, my sanity reels 'Yes .. . one leap . . . that's all . . . I know!' 'Do it! Have the guts! Jump!' Demons from the sea… Stalk towards me stealthily . . . I lurch back and grapple for reason '. . . but… my life . . . my art . . . ?' 'Rotten life! Rotten art! Rotten relationships! Strip every moment to stark nakedness Think hard! Debate! Why should you live? Why?' Hurled in a corner, I live and relive my life...Closing in on me, inch by deathly inch -Vicious, spiteful beings

"Hissing . . . hissing . . .'Your life's a mess! End it!' 'Yes . . . I . . . I. . .' 'A snake pit! That's what the world is! Quit!' 'But I have books, friends… my music . . .' Laughter hollers! Like wind's unbeaten track! 'Hypocrisy! Masks! People tearing people!' 'But there's my work…' 'Pressure, competition, failure! An endless struggle!' 'I'll survive'. 'Need the killer's instinct! Have it?' 'There's bougainvillaea… and long distance calls…' Ha! '…mountains . . . movies . . . monsoons . . .' 'Escape . . . escape . . . escape . . .

''Van Gogh's cypresses, and … evenings in hills' 'You'll never learn!' 'Mustard fields…and, . . . motherhood?' 'Bad dreams! …Give it up!' 'There's memories and .. . letters home' ' Emptiness! Loneliness! End it now! End it!' 'Making love . . .''Making what? Everyone uses everyone!''There's hope… isn't there?' 'It's a four letter word! End it now, you worm!' ' . . . and faith?' 'Regret! Shame! Guilt!' 'Love' Futile . . .' 'God?' 'Guilt! Guilt!' 'STOP IT . . .! ! !' A black wind howls through the wet marsh… The sea witnesses an undefended siege -I will survive this night, its deathly design ; I will fight! The world's a snake pit, so let it be! I dare the devil to get the better of me! Deepti Naval Night of July 28, 1991".

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