No boo-boos

Illustration/Uday Mohite

As I was about to exit the Wankhede Stadium the other night, I met a group of men, I asked them if they'd enjoyed the match.

"Match? Kya match? We did not come here for watching match. We came here for ‘boo-ing'."

"That's terribly negative…," I began.

"Nahi nahi don't misunderstand, kuch personal nahi hai, yeh hamara dandha hai…hamara family business."

"What is the family business?" I asked, astounded.

"We ‘boo'," they said.

"‘You ‘boo' meaning?"

"Matlab when crowd goes ‘boo.. boo'… all that 'booing' we toh organise."

"Organise meaning?"

"If you want to ‘boo' any person, we will organise - anywhere, in cricket stadium, during hunger strikes, during political rallies."

"But why are you here today for MI vs RR?"

"We got one big project… Hardik Pandya ko bharpoor ‘boo' karna hai - Motera mein, Mumbai mein, Madras mein, Manjrekar ke toss ke time pe, match ke pehle, match ke baad… when his name is announced, when he opens his mouth, we shout ‘boo', if he drops catch we shout ‘boo', when he's out we shout ‘boo' - so yeh bada complex job hai - we have one group jo ek stand se chillata hai, ‘Boo Boo' - then after sometime, doosra stand se, ‘Boo Boo' - see sir, we have one logic, spectators don't have minds of their own, it is herd mentality, so we plant ten of our people who start shouting ‘boo… boo', then in no time aam janta will join in… we have found ki ten people kaafi hai to start this ‘booing', but timing acchi honi chahiye - as we have to slowly slowly make sure that booing spreads to full stadium - it's like a Mexican wave of ‘booing'. We have been instructed to ‘boo' Hardik Pandya so much in match after match, that Mumbai Indians ka management will become so fully fed up that they will have to make Rohit Sharma the captain."

"But what is the big deal, anyone can ‘boo' so why hire you especially?"

"Sir aisa mat boliye - ‘booing' is a very fine art, handed down over generations - we have one company called ‘BOO BOO BROS' started by my great grandfather - we have a programme, where we teach correct training of how to ‘boo', the proper technique - we have specialised five year ‘Boo-ology' course - Sir yeh simple kaam nahi hai, bahut saare coordination chahiye, hamare beech mein ‘tuning' - we also have to do Riyaz, these stadiums are big big na…. Then we have to ‘boo' together, jaisa chorus mein, so all we have to sound like one voice, what is gap between each boo. We have to be perfectly in harmony - we need breath control, we have to have proper rhythm - so every morning we have to have warm water with honey and chant BOO BOO BOO BOO BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP… BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOOP AOPALOO LAA SHE IS MY BABY… jab ek saath hote hai na tab impact maximum hai."

‘‘So aaapke paas rate card hai?"

"Zaroor. So supposing, you want one peoples booing or 20,000 peoples booing, we have minimum rate - agar ek ghanta, or IPL match paanch ghanta, same rate."

"And your company only has ‘BOO BOO BROS" which organises ‘boos' and gives a degree in ‘Boo-ology'?"

"Nahin sir, we are teaching many, many slogans and sounds, yeh hai India sir, we are very emotional people, especially now, since it is election time."

"Okay so do you have specific companies or establishments for these?"

"Yes sir, there are two companies - they are called "ZINDABAD & SONS and MURDABAD & SONS! Very popular during elections!"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com